SO.... I really am still taking the webinar class, Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control: A Love Based Approach to Helping Children With Severe Behaviors.
Much of the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) behaviors that sent me desperately seeking deliverance a couple years ago have mellowed considerably. They rear their ugly heads here and there occassionally, as I expect they will from time to time. But there is nothing so severe as we had back in the day. Why is that? A lot of it has come from a change in Me, which is exactly what the last two weeks have focused on in this class. Well... not ME personally, but you know what I mean ;)
My RADish and I were in such a downward spiral of my consequencing her bizarre acting out, and she in turn, amping up her bizarre behaviors. So I would up my consequence, so she would ratchet up her behavior. I, of course not to be outdone by any little kid, would hike up the consequence. Yes... I am so smart I just kept at this unsuccessful method until I was literally making myself crazy. Obviously, I needed to address my own behaviors to break out of this rut.
Heather Forbes makes this assertion (paraphrasing here): When we find ourselves whacking out overreacting, doing/thinking things we never in a million years thought we could think/do in response to our kids' behaviors, this is a signal of unfinished emotional business within ourselves... feelings/emotions that were not resolved from some past trauma. And by trauma it can be anything that caused emotional distress that we were not able to work through (not just the horrific stuff that some of our own adopted children have gone through). I have had a hard time with this one, because even though I did not have a perfect childhood (who does) I do not think I have any real unresolved trauma. I sorta think my over the top over reactions had more to do with being beyond frustrated with a kid who kept spitting on me, calling me a piss wiener, and peeing on everything we own... She resisted all my efforts to show her what a great mom I was. Ah wait...hmmm... I spent a lot of my childhood OVERachieving to show "someone" what a good kid I was... (that statement is a GIANT simplification). Hmmm... And here I was in the same situation with a little kid. How totally frustrating! KNOCK IT OFF AND BEHAVE! I AM A GOOD MOM! I even said to my RADish on several occassions: I AM A GOOD MOM! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE ME INTO A MEANO!! Yeah... you know that ain't workin' right?
PROBLEM: We expect our child to change FIRST. That is exactly what I expected. If only my kid would knock it off, I could start behaving better, too.
PROBLEM: It is not the child's responsibility to make me feel ok! No child can do that, especially not a child who has all kinds of unresolved emotional baggage and has no idea what, why or how to handle it. Nor should any child have the burden of trying to prove to their parent that they are good enough, worthwhile enough to love and pay meaningful attention to.
SOLUTION: The place to begin is with ourselves. The parent needs to be the one to move beyond power and control to a place where they RESPOND to their child NOT react.
BECOMING EMOTIONALLY FIT can help you do that. Here are some points that I especially liked from the class:
*Instead of trying to control your external world, master control of your internal world.
*Realize that problems & happiness have no relationship.
*Your happiness & fulfillment cannot be based on your child's behavior.
*Set your expectations according to your child's emotional age.
And I like this one a lot:
*Suffering is not in the facts, it is in the interpretation of the facts.
I hope if you are being overwhelmed by your behavior challenged child you can find something useful in this rather unorganized review of the class. Though I have found myself beyond busy getting ready for the new additions, I will try to update on the "Love Based Approach" again after this week's webinar (which turns out to be a pretty cool way to take a class! Isn't the WWW great?!)
For more information about this class, or to learn more about this much more hopeful approach to helping attachment disordered kids, go to http://www.beyondconsequences.com/ .
9 comments:
I so wish this kind of education would have been available 27 years ago when we adopted our sib group of four. The social worker turned them over to us with a smile and said "yes, their parents neglected them and drank and did drugs, but at least they didn't abuse them!" Whoa! Could I educate her now!
If someone would have told me some of those points you listed, how much better of a mom I would have been. As it was, I also did the upping consequences for their upping behaviors, a battle you can never win, we quickly found out.
Fortunately, the four are still alive, I am more educated on their bizarre behaviors and my own emotional garbage, and am parenting them differently and better now. Oh yes, I'm still parenting a 41 and a 39 year old! The other two are successfully parenting their own kids and are doing a very good job.
I'm so happy you, Kari, and other adoptive parents now receive valuable education on FASD, RAD, PTSD, ODD and all the rest. I'm sure you are the better parents for it.
Blessings,
Marge
I read the book. I never thought I would agree with this. I decided to give it a try and changed the way I parented. I have a more peaceful existance in my home and do not have explosive situations with her but she now has to deal with the consequences that the world is giving her. I am not sure she will ever change her attitude or behavior but she does not ruin the peace and love in our home.
Hope this make sense. There are so many details I have (obviously) left out.
jen
AMEN! I really love that you talked about the PARENT changing and the child will follow.
I had raised a RADish myself (well, I got her when she was 14). It is still an ongoing battle as she navigates adulthood and adult relationships but she is truly better now than ever before...
Hope you continue to find inspiration and help through this education program :)
And thank you for being a source for a voice for a disorder that is only now becoming more widely known.
Thank you for this over view. I asked for the book for Christmas and received it (along with a dozen others) and haven't gotten to it yet. I know that something needs to change here because I have 2 RAD kids who are tearing our home apart. The older they get, the more their behaviors are amping up (they're almost 16 and 17 now). I have been trying to parent them since they were 1 and 2. I say "trying to parent them" because in hindsight, I don't think they've ever done a thing I've asked in a normal, compliant way. Every single thing is a battle or else they just do what they want (the older one is extremely passive aggressive) while giving everyone else outside our homethe impression that we are just slave drivers.
By dealing with them on their emotional age level - are you saying that we can tell those well meaning folks who tell our kids they should be driving right now or dating to butt out? Our dental hygenist is especially bad about asking me (in front of my daughter) why in the world she isn't driving yet or telling her she needs to ask for a car for Christmas. You know they aren't being malicious, jut misguided, but it is so frustrating!
Good luck on your new adventure, I am so jealous!!
I am taking it to and I knew others were blogging it but I wasn't sure who - glad to of found you. I totally did the up the consequences as he raged too... then I learned better!
Great post, Linda. I find myself getting caught in this trap a lot.. and like you, this is the same childhood I had.. great childhood, but overachiever, let me show you what a great kid I am (Daddy). I do find myself going round and round with Vivi.. behavior/consequence/more behavior/more consequence.. until I finally bow out and say, yeah, no, I'm not playing. So the question is, how to stop playing earlier.. for example, 99% of Vivi's "games" are based on "I'm not doing what you want, just because you want me to." So if I ask her to set the table.. or take a shower.. or do a math worksheet.. she digs in and refuses (or does it partway, or does it wrong on purpose, or pretends she has no idea how to do it, even though she has done it a million times.) So if I *don't* engage with her.. what is my next step?
Hi Corey!
At one point I stopped making my kiddo do anything. I know that sounds ridiculous, and when I type it is seems more so to me, but we just didn't make her do whatever it was. She shifts into non-compliance. We say, "I see you are not going to do what I told you to do... That's alright, not a big deal to me." And then I would give her a gentle squeeze and rub her hair or something. And I genuinely did not care. The genuine part is hard to come by :) Gradually as the confrontations decreased the attachment actually started happening. I know, I know... it seems ALL WRONG, especially in fairness to the other kids in the family. But honestly, the only reason I even tried it is because we just could not go on the way we were. Could. Not. I just HATED myself and had to change things some how.
I am going to address this in more detail in my next post as I have a couple other people asking about this same thing... Hopefully this evening I will post more.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
Thank you for posting this info about Beyond Consequences. My 12 yo son has ODD and I find myself in the downward spiral at times too. I just signed up for the online class beginning tomorrow. Your post is exactly what I needed today. Thank you.
Jen
rustyroy16@yahoo.com
Post a Comment