Since I can't post but anonymous type pictures of the new kids, looks like I will have to post a picture of beautiful Molly, a somewhat anonymous picture of little girl 1 (LG1 henceforth) getting beads in her hair.
It has been up and down, hard and harder since the newbies came home. On placement day, April 19, everything looked so promising. I was sure it was going to be fine. Long, tiring days for a while, but basically I felt certain all would work out well.
Only it didn't.
Our oldest two additions proved to have issues that are way beyond our ability to parent. At least we could not do it with other vulnerable children in our home. The stress while we waited and waited and waited for the powers that be to stop treating us like we were just incapable and believe us that we could not parent these behaviors was horrendous. Oh SO stressful. The very people that thought we were more than capable, able to identify and obtain services, discern and advocate for all our children's needs, and willing to put ourselves and our kids through the hard times we knew were ahead, turned on us in an instant. When we reminded them that we said from the beginning we could not accept behaviors that would put anyone in physical danger they accused us of not being able to supervise our children, of not seeking out appropriate services, of ditching our commitment to these children out of hand, insinuating that we were either exaggerating, lying, or apparently grossly incapable. Why they couldn't just believe us, and work the problem instead of throwing blame around is still beyond me now. John was incensed, calling our attorney, the state attorney general's office, reporting to all what was happening, making sure we had help and support available should we need it.
I should mention that our adoption agency was wonderful. They believed us from the start, our worker (not sure if she wants her name mentioned in my blog?!) went above and beyond. She worked night and day, literally, for us to get the situation solved. In the meantime the supervision required was intense. John and I did not sleep at night. Everyone was on edge waiting for something huge to happen. Animals were in danger, small children were in danger, I was in danger. So many of you were praying and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I spent my prayer time begging God to take care of this, begging him to take it out of our hands. And He did. In the end, the two oldest children went back to Texas. One to a previous foster placement where they intend to adopt. The other to the previous foster placement where hopefully they will be able to access the services needed for problems that are far more serious than were apparently known previously. :( There is no way I can describe the amount of emotion and tension and second guessing we did during the weeks while we waited for everyone to act to find another placement. While we were in turmoil we had to rely on the guidelines we had in place BEFORE we even considered adopting any more children. Guidelines we set knowing that if/when we were in the emotionally charged situation of having to make hard decisions, we would remind ourselves of our rules, and how we said we would remain firm to keep safe the children God gave us first.
I should mention that our adoption agency was wonderful. They believed us from the start, our worker (not sure if she wants her name mentioned in my blog?!) went above and beyond. She worked night and day, literally, for us to get the situation solved. In the meantime the supervision required was intense. John and I did not sleep at night. Everyone was on edge waiting for something huge to happen. Animals were in danger, small children were in danger, I was in danger. So many of you were praying and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I spent my prayer time begging God to take care of this, begging him to take it out of our hands. And He did. In the end, the two oldest children went back to Texas. One to a previous foster placement where they intend to adopt. The other to the previous foster placement where hopefully they will be able to access the services needed for problems that are far more serious than were apparently known previously. :( There is no way I can describe the amount of emotion and tension and second guessing we did during the weeks while we waited for everyone to act to find another placement. While we were in turmoil we had to rely on the guidelines we had in place BEFORE we even considered adopting any more children. Guidelines we set knowing that if/when we were in the emotionally charged situation of having to make hard decisions, we would remind ourselves of our rules, and how we said we would remain firm to keep safe the children God gave us first. So that is the very condensed version of one of the hardest situations of my life. Many, many thanks to you all for praying. Thank you, Almighty Father, most of all, for your care. We continue to pray daily for the children who could not stay with us. It is not that we don't care about them. It is that we were unable to keep everyone safe... that was the issue.
I will update on being a mom of 18, hopefully later today ;)
4 comments:
Well, I'm very glad once again that you have the wisdom and humility to know your limitations and not put kids and yourselves in danger out of obstinacy. I used to read way too many blogs of adoptive parents who are bound and determined to adopt every troubled child they can find and keep him/her no matter what the cost to their other children, claiming that they're "doing the best thing" for the dangerous child. You were not too proud to admit this was too much for you and I admire that. And knowing how much trouble you had with Mary and didn't think it was too much, I know that if you say those two children were too much, then the problems were very serious indeed.
I am so glad to finally read of your lives, even though the situation has been so horrendously difficult. Praying for you all for rest and healing.
Oh how I understand. So. So. Sorry.
We adopted 3 children from Ghana. It was a situation where the older brother should never have been kept with his 2 younger 1/2 sisters. We didn't know. We weren't told of any of the severe behaviors (of either older brother or youngest sister).
Last summer, we had to move into a 24/7 supervision situation. We praise God that several of our young adult children were living at home. Our son had to be watched at all times. When we thought we had him in a "safe situation" for the night, he would run away. Oh how many times we had to call the police to find him and bring him home.
We were judged harshly for having to find a new home for our son; but we had 5 younger children to protect. It wasn't safe here: physically or emotionally. So sad.
I am so glad that you were able to keep the 4 younger children. It is so frustrating when decisions are made to "keep the siblings together" at all costs.
Praying that the 4 younger children's needs will settle down quickly.
Laurel
We are sitting is a scary position now and worry we are making the right decisions. We are emotionally charged and always over committed. Their issues are comfortale to us but our other chidlren have been triggered by some other events and their addition. Logically, things will die down as everyone finds their place here and some briefly out of our home. I hope I'm not in La La Land here. It feels calmer lately with all the safety measures in place.
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